Working on that attitude shift, but it has been a rough day. I don't know what my deal is lately, but I seem to be in a funk. Went off on my husband today for no real good reason (involved cussing and yelling and just being overall not-nice. Hope he'll forgive me.). Finally after a good cry (was it really good? seemed kind of depressing) I decided to bag the cleaning for today and go to my happy space. Yes, I said space. Since the boys started school, I really felt the need to work on a space for ME in our home. I put up a table, did some adjusting and made the guest room (who's purpose was to be my stepdaughter's room) into a space for me. The bed is still here. Other furniture still here. But I've added some of me and my inspiration to the room (thankfully I used colors in this room that I already liked!). So, now I have my fountain, a radio currently playing my iPod (Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata at the moment), some framed inspiration, some re-purposed frames with new pictures I love, a corkboard for bits and things that inspire me, and this which I framed by Mary Anne Radmacher:
she takes, she gives
she loves and creates
she dissents, she enlivens
she sheds her skin
she bleeds on the pages of her days
she walks through walls
I'm trying to take this all to heart. Particularly the "intention" part. It isn't easy. I'm working on it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Did you ever notice that the clouds in the sky are not the perfect clouds that we drew as children? Oh sure, some days they do look more like that, but mostly they are just amazing. They change, they move, they seem to defy what is in our heads as to what the sky "should" look like. I've been thinking a lot lately about watercolor painting. It has always been my favorite to do because it seems forgiving. Of course I haven't painted since I was maybe a freshman in high school? But I did one 2 weeks ago. It felt good. Since then, I've been watching the sky more. Justifying that "painted" look. Because really? That is truly how the sky looks some days. It is NOT uniform. It is NOT perfect. There are dark spots, yes, there are blended spots, but there are always things that just stand out, too. What a beautiful thing. Now if I could just convince myself that the things I create are beautiful. I'm so hard on myself. I'm so critical. Perfectionism has been drilled into me since I was little. How do I let go of some of that? Lately I'm trying to realize that as much as I want to reinvent my whole self, some things are just me, and it is ok to embrace that. But I also want to do more, be more, and like me more. I'm working on it. It isn't easy. And really, I don't know the exact place to start. But I have thoughts, some plans, and definitely some hopes. Bear with me as I travel through this space...
Monday, November 1, 2010
How fitting for a blog with a name like this, huh? That's what I'm trying to do, though, is find a rhythm. My twins started school in August and I still haven't figured out the best structure for my day. I've started moving "laundry day" to Monday so I can spend more time with them on the weekends. I've figured out a day that works for volunteering in their classroom. I've set up a special space for me in our home for reflection, working on my projects, reading, whatever. The problem is I haven't really used it yet. Lots unfinished. In many ways, I have a lot of time to figure this out. In other ways, I feel like time is flying by. I want to work on ME. I want to figure out who I am besides "mom", and I want to figure out what I should really do in life. I like the quotes that say "live with intention". I'm not sure if that is my motto yet, but I want to take some time to work on that and figure it out!! Ah well, maybe tomorrow...