Shifting

Working on that attitude shift, but it has been a rough day.  I don't know what my deal is lately, but I seem to be in a funk.  Went off on my husband today for no real good reason (involved cussing and yelling and just being overall not-nice.  Hope he'll forgive me.).  Finally after a good cry (was it really good?  seemed kind of depressing) I decided to bag the cleaning for today and go to my happy space.  Yes, I said space.  Since the boys started school, I really felt the need to work on a space for ME in our home.  I put up a table, did some adjusting and made the guest room (who's purpose was to be my stepdaughter's room) into a space for me.  The bed is still here.  Other furniture still here.  But I've added some of me and my inspiration to the room (thankfully I used colors in this room that I already liked!).  So, now I have my fountain, a radio currently playing my iPod (Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata at the moment), some framed inspiration, some re-purposed frames with new pictures I love, a corkboard for bits and things that inspire me, and this which I framed by Mary Anne Radmacher:

"she dances
she sings
she takes, she gives
she serves
she loves and creates
she dissents, she enlivens
she sees
she grows
she sweats
she changes
she learns
she laughs
she sheds her skin
she bleeds on the pages of her days
she walks through walls
she lives
with intention"

I'm trying to take this all to heart.  Particularly the "intention" part.  It isn't easy.  I'm working on it.

Watercolors

Did you ever notice that the clouds in the sky are not the perfect clouds that we drew as children?  Oh sure, some days they do look more like that, but mostly they are just amazing.  They change, they move, they seem to defy what is in our heads as to what the sky "should" look like.  I've been thinking a lot lately about watercolor painting.  It has always been my favorite to do because it seems forgiving.  Of course I haven't painted since I was maybe a freshman in high school?  But I did one 2 weeks ago.  It felt good.  Since then, I've been watching the sky more.  Justifying that "painted" look.  Because really?  That is truly how the sky looks some days.  It is NOT uniform.  It is NOT perfect.  There are dark spots, yes, there are blended spots, but there are always things that just stand out, too.  What a beautiful thing.  Now if I could just convince myself that the things I create are beautiful.  I'm so hard on myself.  I'm so critical.  Perfectionism has been drilled into me since I was little.  How do I let go of some of that?  Lately I'm trying to realize that as much as I want to reinvent my whole self, some things are just me, and it is ok to embrace that.  But I also want to do more, be more, and like me more.  I'm working on it.  It isn't easy.  And really, I don't know the exact place to start.  But I have thoughts, some plans, and definitely some hopes.  Bear with me as I travel through this space...

Finding Rhythm

How fitting for a blog with a name like this, huh?  That's what I'm trying to do, though, is find a rhythm.  My twins started school in August and I still haven't figured out the best structure for my day.  I've started moving "laundry day" to Monday so I can spend more time with them on the weekends.  I've figured out a day that works for volunteering in their classroom.  I've set up a special space for me in our home for reflection, working on my projects, reading, whatever.  The problem is I haven't really used it yet.  Lots unfinished.  In many ways, I have a lot of time to figure this out.  In other ways, I feel like time is flying by.  I want to work on ME.  I want to figure out who I am besides "mom", and I want to figure out what I should really do in life.  I like the quotes that say "live with intention".  I'm not sure if that is my motto yet, but I want to take some time to work on that and figure it out!!  Ah well, maybe tomorrow...

Dealing with Transition

So it has been a year of transitions.  And something I thought I would be good with is now proving to not be quite the case....

I was the coordinator of a major event here in town for 2 years.  The event happened 4 times during that period.  It took a lot of my time, a lot of coordination, a lot of effort.  And now it "belongs" to someone else.  Next week, the event is taking place.  I've been watching for the signs (literally and figuratively) around town, seen things here and there, thought about what was "wrong" or "different" or "not there".  But I'm trying to let it go.  Hard to do.  I'm feeling a cross between wondering why they aren't calling me with questions, to not wanting to answer the phone at all.  Next week, during the event, I really want to turn my phone off, have my husband do the same, and not know whether or not anyone has called at all.  I know it will not be completely possible to escape, though.  But I may try...  Like finding something to do all day on Wednesday.  Coffee with a friend, shopping maybe?  Asking my mom to get the kids...  And Thursday, well, who knows...  kids are out of school, so maybe I need to take them somewhere?  So many weird feelings and emotions.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  I always got the feeling that the person taking over for me wanted to do it her way.  She took my information, asked very few questions, and went on her way.  Someone close to the situation told me tonight that her take on it is very different.  She feels like the new PIC (person in charge) is actually intimidated by me and therefore does not want to ask me questions, feels like she's not living up to the standard, etc.  I have a hard time believing that.  Who knows.  The thing is, this event will continue.  It will keep going as it has for more than 12 years.  It will be in this town, and so will I, for many years to come.  Got to let it go and transition.  But doing that smoothly is a whole other thing...

Fourth day of school

Everybody can just shut up.  Stop asking me, "what are you going to do with all of your time?"  I'm tired of it.  Already.  And it is only the 4th day of school.  Yes, my 2 children, with whom I've stayed home for the past 6 years have just gone off to school.  Yes, they were the primary focus of everything every day of their lives.  Guess what?  They still are.  AND I'm trying to find time for ME, too.  Figure out where my interests have staggered off to after 6 years of disregard.  Figure out what I am capable of besides tending to every need of two little boys.  I'm sad.  An entire part of their lives is over and all anyone can do is focus on "what's next".  Well, lay off.  I'll tell you what's next.  You think I'm laying around eating bonbons because I have nothing better to do now that they are in school 7 hours a day?  Well, why the hell not.  Because I haven't had a "break" in 6 years.  Vacation?  Nope, not for mom.  Just doing the same stuff in a different place.  Sure, you can take a week off work and do something "different" or "relaxing", but I can't.  So, yeah, maybe I'll have a bonbon or two while I'm doing the laundry, cleaning the house, clearing the clutter, working on baby books that have been neglected for 6 years, planning meals, shopping for groceries, and a miriad of other things.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll take a few moments here or there and decide what it is that *I WANT* to do.  But in the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I do.  I'm a mom.

Opening

Well, here I go.  I've contemplated starting a blog for a long time.  I think I am at a point now where I really want to do this.  I'm not sure yet what it will be about.  I can't guarantee that I won't write something that will offend you.  I can't guarantee I will write anything that makes sense to anyone but me.  But hey, I guess that is ok, since I'm doing this for ME and not for anyone else.  We'll see how that goes, right??

So... Soul Cadence.  How did I come up with that?  Well, every other thing I came up with was taken.  And then today, in the shower (where I hold all of my important meetings), the word Cadence came to my mind.  I love cadences.  I love rhythm.  As a former drummer, I played many cadences back in the day.  They keep you on track.  They give purpose to movement.  I'm looking for some purpose to my movements lately.  I'm looking to find MY rhythm.  I'm in this journey to dig deep and figure out what makes me tick.  Wish me luck.  March on.