Friday, December 24, 2010

Here it is

like a
child about
Christmas. I still
believe. To me, the
sparkle and the glitter are
real, & the gifts that I receive
come from the heart. The season
is it's own excuse for giving, and I love
the generosity I feel. The tree, the ornaments,
the lights are all for me. It's magic, and I feel it every
year.  Maybe
that's because
I still believe.

~Rae Turnbull


"I'm like a child at Christmas.  I still believe."  I love that.  And at the moment, I cannot recall the name of the poem or the author, but that line always goes through my head this time of year.  If you don't believe in the magic of Christmas, the magic that IS Christmas, what's the point?  And though I'm a little low on my cheer-o-meter this year, I'm hoping to rally today.  Something about the wonder in the kids' eyes, the excitement, the warmth in our home made by candles and little Christmas lights... that's what it comes down to.  So here's to the love, the warmth and the wonder.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

So many things

I feel like my brain is running amok with so many thoughts.  So many questions.  So much I want to know about, research, find peace with.  I feel it in my shoulders as I stress about it.  Tonight I need peace.  I need quiet and calm.  These things can wait until January 4th.  Right now I need to be present in my family, in the NOW.  'Tis the season.  I have heard a number of people say it doesn't feel like Christmas, or that they are having a hard time getting in the spirit this year.  I thought it was just me.  But I want to.  I need to for my boys.  For the peace that Christmas can bring if you let it.  I tried to let the peace of Solstice settle around me.  Now I need that Christmas magic.  Time to breathe.  Time to love.  Time to hold close.  Deep breath... here we go.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Struggling with spirituality this year.  Struggling with how much of a hypocrite I am.  Every night we read about Jesus.  I love this advent time with our family.  We've always done it.  Especially at this crazy time of year, it is wonderful to sit around with just the lights of the tree and candles.  But if I'm doubting everything I've ever been taught in the Christian tradition, should I really be doing this with my kids?  I have no idea where I'm going to end on this journey.  I was always so church-oriented growing up: very active in Sunday School, Confirmation, Bible Camp, Luther League, etc.  I have 4 Godchildren.  I have very wonderful Godparents.  I went to a Jesuit university.  In fact, I only looked at Christian schools.  But oddly enough, it was there that my doubts started.  I don't think they make you take all of those theology classes planning that you will start to doubt your faith.  More recently, I've read a couple of books that talk about the Sacred Feminine.  I haven't read enough to form solid thoughts on that one way or another, but I do find it interesting.  I also read Eat, Pray, Love recently.  I'm probably in a minority of people who found it inspiring enough to take notes.  Ack.  Yes, I believe in a higher power of some sort.  There are many things about organized religion that I do not agree with, though.  I don't think it makes sense for one group or another to say they are the "right" ones and everyone else is wrong.  How loving is that?  Doesn't make sense to me.  Anyway, in this season of the story of Jesus, I still love the wonder of the story.  I do want to teach my kids about that story.  But I'm conflicted.  For now, I'm just trying to focus on the joy and the wonder of the season.  To love the magic of this time of year and seeing it through my kids' eyes.  I need more time to work out the rest of it....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


So I joined a Bunco group last February.  It was only the 2nd month the group had met, but I still felt like I was coming in "late".  Anyway, next week, we'll have our December Bunco night.  I always look forward to Bunco.  I love playing games, I love the ease of this game, I love playing with ladies I only see once a month, and the flat out fun that we have is so great.  Here's the thing...  Over the year, the group has changed.  Several people have moved on.  The people that have replaced them are all from MOPS.  MOPS used to be a big part of my life, but in these last few months with my kids now in school, I've realized I don't dwell in the MOPS world anymore.  Having a baby?  Good for you -- let's play Bunco.  Breastfeeding is hard?  Bummer -- now let's play Bunco.  Harsh, right?  But I'm not denying my feelings about this.  Bunco is a choice I made.  Bunco is supposed to be fun.  Now I'm not looking forward to it.  I've signed up to host in January, which I'll probably go ahead and do, but I don't know after that.  All of the fun people that I only saw at Bunco, only knew at Bunco, are leaving the group.  Women of older ages and stages.  I enjoyed their company.  I liked hearing their stories.  The MOPS girls, well, I've been there.  It isn't quite so interesting to me anymore.  This small town has it's pluses and minuses -- in this case, if I were to start or join a new group, I have a feeling my current group wouldn't be too happy, and of course they would all know.  Hmmm...  Not sure what I'm going to do, but I will have to do something.  I want to look forward to Bunco again.