Friday, December 24, 2010

Here it is

like a
child about
Christmas. I still
believe. To me, the
sparkle and the glitter are
real, & the gifts that I receive
come from the heart. The season
is it's own excuse for giving, and I love
the generosity I feel. The tree, the ornaments,
the lights are all for me. It's magic, and I feel it every
year.  Maybe
that's because
I still believe.

~Rae Turnbull


"I'm like a child at Christmas.  I still believe."  I love that.  And at the moment, I cannot recall the name of the poem or the author, but that line always goes through my head this time of year.  If you don't believe in the magic of Christmas, the magic that IS Christmas, what's the point?  And though I'm a little low on my cheer-o-meter this year, I'm hoping to rally today.  Something about the wonder in the kids' eyes, the excitement, the warmth in our home made by candles and little Christmas lights... that's what it comes down to.  So here's to the love, the warmth and the wonder.  Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

So many things

I feel like my brain is running amok with so many thoughts.  So many questions.  So much I want to know about, research, find peace with.  I feel it in my shoulders as I stress about it.  Tonight I need peace.  I need quiet and calm.  These things can wait until January 4th.  Right now I need to be present in my family, in the NOW.  'Tis the season.  I have heard a number of people say it doesn't feel like Christmas, or that they are having a hard time getting in the spirit this year.  I thought it was just me.  But I want to.  I need to for my boys.  For the peace that Christmas can bring if you let it.  I tried to let the peace of Solstice settle around me.  Now I need that Christmas magic.  Time to breathe.  Time to love.  Time to hold close.  Deep breath... here we go.

Saturday, December 11, 2010


Struggling with spirituality this year.  Struggling with how much of a hypocrite I am.  Every night we read about Jesus.  I love this advent time with our family.  We've always done it.  Especially at this crazy time of year, it is wonderful to sit around with just the lights of the tree and candles.  But if I'm doubting everything I've ever been taught in the Christian tradition, should I really be doing this with my kids?  I have no idea where I'm going to end on this journey.  I was always so church-oriented growing up: very active in Sunday School, Confirmation, Bible Camp, Luther League, etc.  I have 4 Godchildren.  I have very wonderful Godparents.  I went to a Jesuit university.  In fact, I only looked at Christian schools.  But oddly enough, it was there that my doubts started.  I don't think they make you take all of those theology classes planning that you will start to doubt your faith.  More recently, I've read a couple of books that talk about the Sacred Feminine.  I haven't read enough to form solid thoughts on that one way or another, but I do find it interesting.  I also read Eat, Pray, Love recently.  I'm probably in a minority of people who found it inspiring enough to take notes.  Ack.  Yes, I believe in a higher power of some sort.  There are many things about organized religion that I do not agree with, though.  I don't think it makes sense for one group or another to say they are the "right" ones and everyone else is wrong.  How loving is that?  Doesn't make sense to me.  Anyway, in this season of the story of Jesus, I still love the wonder of the story.  I do want to teach my kids about that story.  But I'm conflicted.  For now, I'm just trying to focus on the joy and the wonder of the season.  To love the magic of this time of year and seeing it through my kids' eyes.  I need more time to work out the rest of it....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


So I joined a Bunco group last February.  It was only the 2nd month the group had met, but I still felt like I was coming in "late".  Anyway, next week, we'll have our December Bunco night.  I always look forward to Bunco.  I love playing games, I love the ease of this game, I love playing with ladies I only see once a month, and the flat out fun that we have is so great.  Here's the thing...  Over the year, the group has changed.  Several people have moved on.  The people that have replaced them are all from MOPS.  MOPS used to be a big part of my life, but in these last few months with my kids now in school, I've realized I don't dwell in the MOPS world anymore.  Having a baby?  Good for you -- let's play Bunco.  Breastfeeding is hard?  Bummer -- now let's play Bunco.  Harsh, right?  But I'm not denying my feelings about this.  Bunco is a choice I made.  Bunco is supposed to be fun.  Now I'm not looking forward to it.  I've signed up to host in January, which I'll probably go ahead and do, but I don't know after that.  All of the fun people that I only saw at Bunco, only knew at Bunco, are leaving the group.  Women of older ages and stages.  I enjoyed their company.  I liked hearing their stories.  The MOPS girls, well, I've been there.  It isn't quite so interesting to me anymore.  This small town has it's pluses and minuses -- in this case, if I were to start or join a new group, I have a feeling my current group wouldn't be too happy, and of course they would all know.  Hmmm...  Not sure what I'm going to do, but I will have to do something.  I want to look forward to Bunco again. 

Friday, November 19, 2010


Working on that attitude shift, but it has been a rough day.  I don't know what my deal is lately, but I seem to be in a funk.  Went off on my husband today for no real good reason (involved cussing and yelling and just being overall not-nice.  Hope he'll forgive me.).  Finally after a good cry (was it really good?  seemed kind of depressing) I decided to bag the cleaning for today and go to my happy space.  Yes, I said space.  Since the boys started school, I really felt the need to work on a space for ME in our home.  I put up a table, did some adjusting and made the guest room (who's purpose was to be my stepdaughter's room) into a space for me.  The bed is still here.  Other furniture still here.  But I've added some of me and my inspiration to the room (thankfully I used colors in this room that I already liked!).  So, now I have my fountain, a radio currently playing my iPod (Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata at the moment), some framed inspiration, some re-purposed frames with new pictures I love, a corkboard for bits and things that inspire me, and this which I framed by Mary Anne Radmacher:

"she dances
she sings
she takes, she gives
she serves
she loves and creates
she dissents, she enlivens
she sees
she grows
she sweats
she changes
she learns
she laughs
she sheds her skin
she bleeds on the pages of her days
she walks through walls
she lives
with intention"

I'm trying to take this all to heart.  Particularly the "intention" part.  It isn't easy.  I'm working on it.


Did you ever notice that the clouds in the sky are not the perfect clouds that we drew as children?  Oh sure, some days they do look more like that, but mostly they are just amazing.  They change, they move, they seem to defy what is in our heads as to what the sky "should" look like.  I've been thinking a lot lately about watercolor painting.  It has always been my favorite to do because it seems forgiving.  Of course I haven't painted since I was maybe a freshman in high school?  But I did one 2 weeks ago.  It felt good.  Since then, I've been watching the sky more.  Justifying that "painted" look.  Because really?  That is truly how the sky looks some days.  It is NOT uniform.  It is NOT perfect.  There are dark spots, yes, there are blended spots, but there are always things that just stand out, too.  What a beautiful thing.  Now if I could just convince myself that the things I create are beautiful.  I'm so hard on myself.  I'm so critical.  Perfectionism has been drilled into me since I was little.  How do I let go of some of that?  Lately I'm trying to realize that as much as I want to reinvent my whole self, some things are just me, and it is ok to embrace that.  But I also want to do more, be more, and like me more.  I'm working on it.  It isn't easy.  And really, I don't know the exact place to start.  But I have thoughts, some plans, and definitely some hopes.  Bear with me as I travel through this space...

Monday, November 1, 2010

Finding Rhythm

How fitting for a blog with a name like this, huh?  That's what I'm trying to do, though, is find a rhythm.  My twins started school in August and I still haven't figured out the best structure for my day.  I've started moving "laundry day" to Monday so I can spend more time with them on the weekends.  I've figured out a day that works for volunteering in their classroom.  I've set up a special space for me in our home for reflection, working on my projects, reading, whatever.  The problem is I haven't really used it yet.  Lots unfinished.  In many ways, I have a lot of time to figure this out.  In other ways, I feel like time is flying by.  I want to work on ME.  I want to figure out who I am besides "mom", and I want to figure out what I should really do in life.  I like the quotes that say "live with intention".  I'm not sure if that is my motto yet, but I want to take some time to work on that and figure it out!!  Ah well, maybe tomorrow...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Dealing with Transition

So it has been a year of transitions.  And something I thought I would be good with is now proving to not be quite the case....

I was the coordinator of a major event here in town for 2 years.  The event happened 4 times during that period.  It took a lot of my time, a lot of coordination, a lot of effort.  And now it "belongs" to someone else.  Next week, the event is taking place.  I've been watching for the signs (literally and figuratively) around town, seen things here and there, thought about what was "wrong" or "different" or "not there".  But I'm trying to let it go.  Hard to do.  I'm feeling a cross between wondering why they aren't calling me with questions, to not wanting to answer the phone at all.  Next week, during the event, I really want to turn my phone off, have my husband do the same, and not know whether or not anyone has called at all.  I know it will not be completely possible to escape, though.  But I may try...  Like finding something to do all day on Wednesday.  Coffee with a friend, shopping maybe?  Asking my mom to get the kids...  And Thursday, well, who knows...  kids are out of school, so maybe I need to take them somewhere?  So many weird feelings and emotions.  Am I wrong for feeling this way?  I always got the feeling that the person taking over for me wanted to do it her way.  She took my information, asked very few questions, and went on her way.  Someone close to the situation told me tonight that her take on it is very different.  She feels like the new PIC (person in charge) is actually intimidated by me and therefore does not want to ask me questions, feels like she's not living up to the standard, etc.  I have a hard time believing that.  Who knows.  The thing is, this event will continue.  It will keep going as it has for more than 12 years.  It will be in this town, and so will I, for many years to come.  Got to let it go and transition.  But doing that smoothly is a whole other thing...

Monday, August 30, 2010

Fourth day of school

Everybody can just shut up.  Stop asking me, "what are you going to do with all of your time?"  I'm tired of it.  Already.  And it is only the 4th day of school.  Yes, my 2 children, with whom I've stayed home for the past 6 years have just gone off to school.  Yes, they were the primary focus of everything every day of their lives.  Guess what?  They still are.  AND I'm trying to find time for ME, too.  Figure out where my interests have staggered off to after 6 years of disregard.  Figure out what I am capable of besides tending to every need of two little boys.  I'm sad.  An entire part of their lives is over and all anyone can do is focus on "what's next".  Well, lay off.  I'll tell you what's next.  You think I'm laying around eating bonbons because I have nothing better to do now that they are in school 7 hours a day?  Well, why the hell not.  Because I haven't had a "break" in 6 years.  Vacation?  Nope, not for mom.  Just doing the same stuff in a different place.  Sure, you can take a week off work and do something "different" or "relaxing", but I can't.  So, yeah, maybe I'll have a bonbon or two while I'm doing the laundry, cleaning the house, clearing the clutter, working on baby books that have been neglected for 6 years, planning meals, shopping for groceries, and a miriad of other things.  And maybe, just maybe, I'll take a few moments here or there and decide what it is that *I WANT* to do.  But in the meantime, I'll just keep doing what I do.  I'm a mom.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Well, here I go.  I've contemplated starting a blog for a long time.  I think I am at a point now where I really want to do this.  I'm not sure yet what it will be about.  I can't guarantee that I won't write something that will offend you.  I can't guarantee I will write anything that makes sense to anyone but me.  But hey, I guess that is ok, since I'm doing this for ME and not for anyone else.  We'll see how that goes, right??

So... Soul Cadence.  How did I come up with that?  Well, every other thing I came up with was taken.  And then today, in the shower (where I hold all of my important meetings), the word Cadence came to my mind.  I love cadences.  I love rhythm.  As a former drummer, I played many cadences back in the day.  They keep you on track.  They give purpose to movement.  I'm looking for some purpose to my movements lately.  I'm looking to find MY rhythm.  I'm in this journey to dig deep and figure out what makes me tick.  Wish me luck.  March on.